You know what's really stupid? Social Phobias.

My social anxiety isn't that bad, but I have a really hard time talking on the phone with anyone but my immediate family. I don't even talk to friends on the phone. I don't know what it is about the phone but it makes me sweat. I hate calling the doctor, I hate calling about getting my car fixed. I hate calling anyone. If I didn't talk to my mom for about an hour every day or two I would only use my phone as a phone about once a week. I have recently been working on broadening my Beachbody coaching, and I need to do a conference call with my head coach (Upline Star Diamond Coach) and a couple other coaches. Just the though of this makes me sweat, I felt instantly hot and uncomfortable thinking about it, trying to think of a way to get out of it, "I can pretend to be sick and not have a voice", or "oh what if the baby is crying? then I'll just have to get the abridged version of the call and take off". Actually writing this out it all sounds so silly. I can't believe I am trying to get out of a phone call that is intended to help me succeed.

But I am going to do it, I really have no excuse, no way out of it, and when it's over I can think to myself just how silly it is that I was dreading it.

Stepping out of my comfort zone

I'm shy, but I love being around people.
It's hard to explain. I don't think I have social anxiety because I love going to restaurants, parties, hanging out with friends, I worked in customer service, I'm really great at talking to people. Once I am doing something social I enjoy it, but getting myself to do the social thing is hard. I get anxiety just thinking of getting ready to go somewhere where there will be lots of people. In Oki, Paul and I and our friends went out almost every Friday night. I would have anxiety the whole time I was getting ready to go out, but once we got out with our friends I was fine. I'm like an introverted extrovert. Thinking about moving to California, where I already know people through the Marine Corps family, but most of which I have never actually met in real life scares the crap out of me. Even thinking of seeing friends or family I haven't seen in a while makes me anxious.
Since moving to Butte I leave the house to go shopping, or to eat. I don't go do things by myself with E. Besides walking, which does not involve stranger interaction. All summer I was telling myself I was going to sign her up for swim lessons, or some mommy and me class at the YMCA. But I never did. 
Well today I did something that I normally wouldn't do, Story Time at the library. I even tried to make excuses to myself as late as this morning to not go. "If E falls asleep I won't want to wake her" as I tried to nurse her into a nap. But it's like she knew, and she wanted to go. So at 10:30 I decided she wasn't sleeping so I needed to get us both dressed, I needed to put some makeup on, because I can't go out in public looking like a disheveled SAHM. 

And we went.
And it was fun.
Well parking sucked, and I almost talked myself out of going again because I couldn't find any parking, but I parked sort of illegally and went inside.
And E really enjoyed it. 



And that's the first step, I am going to try to go as often as our schedule allows. E often naps around 11, But I think this is really good for both of us though so we may have to adjust nap time to be a little later. 

And I'm Unemployed.

For the first time in almost 2 years I am unemployed, with no job on the horizon. This is a choice I made because I want to be a stay at home mom. It happened a little sooner than I had planned because I was having a real hard time at work, physically and emotionally. Retail is hard, but it's even harder when you are 7 months pregnant. I was always on my feet, so I was hobbling around like I was broken.  I already sort of have a short temper, but a few times in the last few weeks I've gotten visibly mad, or cranky with customers. And some days I found myself angry at more than just the customers. Oh and on days I work I find myself gorging on candy, because that's the only kind of consumable they sell in a movie/video game store. I've eaten more starburst in the last 3 months than I probably have in my life.
Well my last day was Saturday, and at the end of my shift I was able to sneak out with no one really noticing. That's how I hoped it would happen I didn't want any hoopla, or extra attention. I just wanted to go quietly into the wind.
Now that my last day has come and gone I can focus on myself and baby E, finding a house, and getting this house ready to be moved out of, so cleaning and packing, and more cleaning.
It doesn't feel like I don't have a job anymore, I don't feel unemployed. I am not sure what I expected, but I don't feel like I wont to go to work at Hastings ever again.
I only worked for a short time while we lived in Japan, so not working isn't a huge change for me, but I had a social life. Soon enough I'll have a full time job of Baby Mama. I just hope that I don't go crazy like I did the first winter here when I was not working yet, I would go to Target just to be around people. I would go to the grocery and talk to anyone who would talk to me. I was desperate for adult human interaction.
I am sure I will be fine, especially if Pauls hours are better. Also it's likely that we will be living in town, so I won't really have as much of that feeling of seclusion that I do sometimes in this house.

- Alana

Pregnancy- Not as glamourous as I imagined.

Before getting pregnant I had these grand ideas about how great it would be, and how fun, and how cute I would look. I knew it would have tough days too, I knew I wouldn't enjoy every moment. But I thought I would enjoy it more than I have.

Everyone says I look cute, I just feel fat. I am suffering from extremely low self esteem right now. I feel like a cow, even though I haven't gained a lot, and I am right on trace,  I have lost almost all my muscle mass, mostly because I am too exhausted/physically incapable of working out. In the beginning it was my sciatic, and I quit walking and zumba, now I've added carpal tunnel, so my hands constantly hurt and lifting any weights, pushups, even carrying heavy things hurts. Also the fact that I have just let myself go so bad that I get winded carrying laundry up the stairs. I am seriously going to have my work cut out for me once I have baby E and I can physically get back into working out.
My plan is to start with cardio, I've got a treadmill, so I can get on it while E is sleeping. I want to get a nice jogging stroller so as soon as the weather is nice I can hit the pavement. I am also hoping I can start up Zumba again, plus I have a plethora of workout DVD's. The important thing is I have a plan, and I know things wont be easy, but it'll be worth it.

Another not so glam thing I have been struggling with is my skin, (I am going to save my skin thing for a whole separate post though.)

I don't know what I was thinking but I imagined I would do more, be more active. I have days when I barely move, I get up take the dogs potty, sit down, make lunch, sit back down, take the dogs potty again, sit back down, refill my drink, sit back down. It's no wonder that I have no muscle mass left and I am all flabby. The most action my arms get is shoveling food/drink into my mouth.

I am moody, and often a little depressed, depressed because I wanted to enjoy pregnancy, not be miserable. Then I feel worse, because there are so many people who have it worse than me, and they suck it up and deal. I just sit here and complain. I am also depressed about my body, I've never been a skinny girl, I've always struggled with my weight, but I am having a really hard time accepting the way I look. And moody, I can be downright mean sometimes. The things that go through my head, the things that don't make it past my lips, yeah those things are really bad. Paul and I were talking last week and after I went on a tirade about siting in your stalled car and not attempting to move it, or making an effort to let other drivers know you are stopped at a light and not moving because your shit is broke (just thinking about it still pisses me off...) but anyway the conversation went like this: Me "being pregnant makes me irritable" Paul "No, being pregnant makes you MORE irritable". So I am a cranky person to begin with, but right now I am just downright nasty. I've also been a little down because I haven't had that "OMG I'M HAVING A BABY!" moment yet. I'm want to bond with her, I want to love her, it's so hard to explain, but it's still hard to believe I'm even having a baby, even though I can feel her moving all the time.

Minor medical issues are also frightening, for someone who is already dealing with anxiety the "what ifs" suck. There whole Down Syndrome thing was hella stressful. And then this week we have had the Gestational Diabetes, which I know is very common, and totally manageable, but still it's scary as hell. But I did have the big 3hr GD test today and I won, I do not have Gestational Diabetes, Yay!

I've complained about the swelling before, and it's another fact of life for pregnancy, but for me it started early, I started swelling around 19 weeks. I haven't worn my wedding rings in two months. My shoes stopped fitting about a month and a half ago, and now I live in flipflops and slipper shoes. Putting on my work tennies usually causes more discomfort than just wearing shitty cheep slip ons.

I've also had a few "gross female issues" that have come up a few times, which again, I guess is normal, but not fun.
And my poor husband. I have zero libido. He really must love me.


Sorry to have sat here an complained for the last half a page, but so many of the pregnancy stories I read are all sunshine and rainbows. Mine is only a little sunshine and a few scattered rainbows.  And I think things have just piled up this last few weeks, we have had a stressful time as a family unit because of some decisions that we are being forced to make that while in the long run will hopefully be good, in the short term they are throwing a huge wrench into things. (more on that soon, we should have some answers any day now) So I am using this as my outlet to just let it out so I don't stab someone.

I want to add that there are many great things too. Feeling her move, shopping for her :) knowing that I'll have my little girl soon. But I think a majority of the wonderfulness will happen on her birthday, and beyond. I cannot wait for December.


- Alana

Social Anxiety

I think I have a problem.

(beware I'm putting my crazy out there today)

I've never really had a problem making friends until I moved to Montana.
Maybe because I was younger with all of our moves.
Maybe because before now I was put into an environment with other young military wives.
Maybe I'm just too old for this game now.

I've met a few people over the last few months that I think would be cool to hang out with.

But each time it comes time to contact them about getting together or whatever I get serious anxiety.
This is why I have lived here for over a year and still have no real friends, I have practically given up.

This last week I've been trying to get together with one girls who I met a few weeks ago, and she needed to drop something off to me, I've been sick so that was part of the reason it took me so long to get back to her, but I had major anxiety about calling her, and seeing her.

The stupidest things were going through my head
What if she decided she didn't like me.
What if she thought my house was messy.
What if she thought I was rude for not calling sooner.
each moment that went by these fears got worse, so I procrastinated further.

Finally I called her and two days later she called me back, All I could think was that she hated me.

I am totally irrational.

She just came by and dropped my things off and said she lives real close and we should hang out.
I am totally excited.
But now.
What do we talk about?
What should we do?
Should I invite her over?
She has kids, she may not want to come over, and I have rowdy dogs, that may jump on her kids.
Maybe we should go to lunch...

I don't have this problem at work, I can talk to anyone.

But I am almost shaking right now.

So I ask you:
How do you make new friends?
What do you talk about?
What do you do on a first 'friend' date?

Did she just cure my anxiety?

Last week I went to go see a chiropractor. It was recommended to me by my hairdresser, because I have been suffering back pain.
I sat in the dimly lit room, with nothing but a black bed thing and a small black desk and spoke to Julie my chiropractor girl (I think she may be younger than me, if not about my age) and we talked about how chiropractors work, and how there are different kinds of chiropractors. Some that contort and crack you, and some that just poke and prod you. She is a poker and prodder.
We talked about different things that could be treated, stomach problems, back pain, headaches, and other pains, just to name a few.

She stood me in front of a mirror and showed me my posture. my right shoulder hung lower than my left. My right hip however was higher than my left. I was all messed up.
I laid down and she moved me around, poked at my back, pulled at my neck, used this thing that made a loud pop noise that helps move your spines back where they should be.
After I left I felt really good. Just all over good. I can't explain it but I felt different. I felt better.
That was last tuesday.

For the last 8 days I have been almost 100% anxiety free.
I can't explain it.
Maybe it's in my head.
Maybe I just want to feel better so bad I have convinced myself that I am better.
Maybe it won't last.
Maybe after 10 years of mild to severe anxiety, which I have tried to treat through, yoga, meditation, medication, exercise, and more medication, I have finally found a resolution.

One of my big anxieties is fire. I usually unplug all the small appliances and anything that isn't huge before I leave the house, depending on the level of anxiety that day this can include things as mundane as lamps and chargers.
Yesterday for the first time ever I left the crock pot plugged in and on while I went to work for my 3 hour shift. Not once did i worry that the house had burned down.
My mom and I once joked about how I could crock during the day and not be worried about the house burning down, I said I would plug it into an extension cord and push it to the middle of the empty garage so if it erupted in flames it wouldn't be near enough to anything to start a house fire. (I never followed through on that plan.)
I also haven't had any work related anxiety. Usually when heading into work I am afraid I am going to be in trouble, though I know I have done nothing wrong, I am afraid that I have in some way missed something and that I will have someone mad at me.

I went back for a follow up yesterday. And she was surprised at how well my adjustments held up, she was also impressed at my mental health improvements. I was more impressed at my mental health improvements then anything.
For the first time in a long time I feel good, consistently good.
I hope it lasts.

a little vent

Yesterday I lost my work apron. Between leaving work and going to Buffalo Wild Wings (less than a mile, and I drove). I think I lost it in my work parking lot.
It's no secret that I suffer from anxiety, yesterday and today the anxiety over this has been awful. I am not that upset about the apron itself, but of the stuff in it. I hate the feeling when I loose things. Even trivial things that can be replaced. I have searched work, BWW, and both parking lots. I think it's gone.
I wish that my anxiety wasn't so consuming.
I hate anxiety.
I hate that it overwhelms my life.
I had to take 2 anxiety pills at 3 am so I could sleep.
I know how incredibly stupid it sounds, but all I could imagine was my poor work apron and it's lovely contents sitting in some losers car, or in some dumpster.
I know I am crazy, and I get attached to inanimate objects.

I don't work again until friday, and I am hoping that when I go into work friday it miraculously appears. Or someone from work calls me and says they found it.

Life

Things have been crazy here, Paul's getting ready to deploy, he's been training like crazy, we've been trying to squeeze every second we can from the time we have. It hasn't been easy. I've been sick, not coughing sick, it's hard to explain, a wile ago, about a month or so, I had an "episode" where I pretty much blacked out while driving. Weird part was I didn't loose control of the car, I continued to drive, I just couldnt remember it, when my brain turned back on, it was only a few seconds, but it was very scary. about a week later it happened again, this time at home. My doctors went back and forth and decided it was Effexor, which I have been taking for Atypical Depression for about 5 months. They cut my dose in half to start to wean me off, then pulled the plug on it last week.

I knew it would suck, Effexor gets in your body and you form a dependence to it. Even though a few weeks prior I had gone to half my normal dose, when I stopped completely it was hell. the first 24 hours wern't too bad, then the nausea kicked in, spinning, shakes, hot flashes, itching, mood swings. the last week has been very hard on me emotionally, I came off the drug, I found out Paul was leaving ALOT sooner than I anticipated, and I was coming off this drug, which made things seem ten times worse. I cried for really no reason several times. I got furiously angry with Paul again, for really no reason. (at the time it seemed to me like him asking me where the pampered chef stuff came from was a reason to flip out, now in retrospect, I see.... I was crazy) and the spinning, I felt like I was going to fall off the floor when i was just sitting there. I caved on my birthday and couldnt take it anymore, I broke open a pill (they are capsules) and took about half of what was inside. This is a common way people come off this drug, it can be so bad for people on day they take thirty inside pieces, the next day they take 29, and they will still have withdraw. Thankfully I wasnt this bad. I was almost back to normal within a few hours.

I had my birthday party, got a hangover and it was all worth it. Then last night as the hangover began to fade i began to feel the withdraw again. Not as bad as before, but bad enough. I was just having the weirdest, most indescribable feelings, like body hallucinations. sometimes it would feel like a wave would go through my body in slow motion, others i'd get this spark, like my brain was just zapped. weird stuff. Thankfully i woke up this morning to just sort of feeling like shit and after breakfast, coffee & some excedrine i felt better. Right now i have some occasional zaps, or waves but the spinning has stopped my appetite has returned to normal. I even drove today without wanting to vomit. As the day went on I felt better and better, Joselyn and I had a date and we had lunch, hit the hundred yen store, and had some fro-yo.

I am not trying to get people to feel bad for me, there's more to the story and if I wanted your pity I am sure I could pull at your heart strings, and I'm not trying to say anti-depressants are awful, I think they are great! Effexor was great until I started having the episodes out (which BTW is EXTREMELY rare, so rare it's not listed as a side effect in most data bases) I just want to share with you what has been going on, and even though my doctor explained to me all of the side effects/withdraw before starting and stopping this drug (well he said it would suck), I want people to know it's survivable. I today is 6 days since i stopped full dose, and i am okay. i dont want to kill myself, i dont feel like i am falling off hte floor, i dont feel fan-fucking-tastic, but i'm okay.

GOOGLE IS EVIL

i swear every time something goes wrong and i google it the first things that pop up are terrible, example one: my cat has a sore on his face, google tells me that its feline leukemia! damnit my cats been vaccinated and he isnt in contact with other cats so its not FIV but i am still sitting her on the verge of an anxiety attack. example two: dog got a rash, google says dog has horrible disease and is going to die, okay maybe not but its still nerve wracking.  i feel like crap i've now got to take the cat to the vet to rule out any illness though i am pretty sure the dog bit him. i am so freaking out right now. ugh i hate anxiety!